In case you were ever curious what would happen if you put Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass in a blender with really zesty, awful fanfic, an overblown love of faeries and elves, and an entire four-volume set of Ye Olde Guide to Simile and Metaphore and pressed the button marked “I Can Has Literary Masterpiece Plz?”

This is what would happen. And thank ye heavens, there is an audio version. One can only hope for velvet paintings in the near future.